Harry Potter Parodies
by WinterFairy209
Summary: A bunch of oneshots parodying common tropes in Harry Potter fanfics.
1. Everybody-Loves-Her Sue

Delia Jem Rosewood waltzed into the Hogwarts' Great Hall one day, and sat down at the Gryffindor table next to the Golden Trio.

"Hello!" she trilled in her musical voice, long golden waves of hair dripping down to her perfectly formed breasts as the words passed her perfectly plump red eyes like honey. "I'm Delia Jem Rosewood, and I just transferred to Hogwarts from Beauxbatons. I was given permission to choose my own house, and I choose Gryffindor!"

"Great?" Harry said as he stared at the strange girl, who stared back at him, her blue eyes unblinking.

"Oh, look the feast!" Delia exclaimed as food appeared on the table, and everyone very uneasily dug in.

* * *

"Delia, I love you!" Harry proclaimed after a couple bites. "I just want to kiss you on your red, juicy lips and-"

Harry was interrupted when Ron shoved him onto the floor. "No! Delia, I love you! Please accept this ancient family heirloom and be my-" Ron was barely able to hand her a gold necklace adorned with red diamonds when Draco jumped over from the Slytherin table and kicked him in the back of the head mid-air before landing on the table.

"Delia, don't accept love of that blood traitor!" Draco exclaimed.

"Why not? It's shiny," Delia licked her lips as she admired the necklace Ron had given her.

"Uh…" Draco faltered for a moment. "Because I love you more! And here, is the Malfoy tiara, to prove it." He presented her a silver tiara with emeralds, sapphires and diamonds before falling backwards, being cursed.

"Delia, don't do it!" Hermione exclaimed after petrifying Draco. "I am your true love!"

"Do you have any presents?" Delia asked dryly after she had put on the Malfoy tiara, cutely lopsided.

"No."

"Then what do you offer?"

"Hot lesbian snogging sessions, my love."

Delia paused for a second. "Good point."

The two girls leaned towards each other, lips puckered and wet in anticipation before Hermione was also petrified.

"Fiddlesticks!" Delia cursed as she saw Hermione's form fall on the floor. "Who now?"

The rest of the Hogwarts population jumped up on the Gryffindor table, before ensuing in an all-out brawl.

* * *

 **BEAUXBATON'S STUDENTS PUT LOVE POTION IN HOGWARTS STUDENTS FOOD**

Madame Maxime says she does not represent the school

Yesterday, chaos broke out at Hogwarts as a rouge Beauxbaton's student, Jessica Brooks, masqueraded as a Hogwarts transfer student to infiltrate the castle. She also used Polyjuice Potion to make herself look like a muggle supermodel during the act. That's not all, as she managed to bribe a house-elf, now let free from his duties at the school, to let her in the kitchens to sneak Amortentia into the food, causing all the students to fall madly in love with her. A brawl ensued for her affections, leaving 200 injured, none dead. I managed to catch Madame Maxime, head of Beauxbaton's, for a few words regarding the incident. "Ms. Brooks does not represent the ideals and standards set forth by our school…" **continued on A1**

* * *

Ron crumpled the newspaper Fred and George had sent him, along with the little note making fun of the incident, and threw it angrily down on the table.

"Still mad?" Harry asked, watching his friend bemusedly.

"Yeah! Aren't you?"

"Of course, but I wasn't the one that gave away a valuable heirloom…"

"I told you, that wasn't mine! You think if I had that my family would be havin' our troubles?"

Hermione nodded her head in agreement from where she was reading the newspaper. "Ron's right. Apparently Jessica robbed an expensive antiques shop before coming here so she could apparate them to student's pockets so they could give her them as presents." Hermione shook her head. "Shame. Could have been a talented witch if she weren't so mad."

"Where is she now?" Harry asked.

"First there's the trial, completely unnecessary but Jessica seems to be fighting her case, but the prosecution seems to be fighting for a conviction in wizarding prison for a few years. But the defenders are arguing insanity, so maybe St. Mungos. But right now she's in temporary house arrest until the trial." Hermione placed the newspaper down on the table and took a bite of her buttered toast.

"I still can't believe she managed to get all that jewelry," Hermione continued. "Imagine the heist!"

"Who said all those jewels were stolen, Granger?" said Draco as he walked by their table, his pockets clanking.

* * *

 _ **Author's Note: Hey, if you like this, check out my other Harry Potter parody, "Mary Sues, They're Quite Strange Creatures" updated every Friday. Remember to leave a review!**_

 _ **Parodying This Week: Everybody-Loves-Her-Sue**_

 ** _Parodying Next Week: Hogwarts= Everybody is royalty_**


	2. Hogwarts, Where Everybdoy is Royalty

A long line of people were laid out in front of a man with cropped dark hair and a regal stance, wearing an expensive gray-striped suit. A gangly teen with acne dressed in a purple jester's outfit held a piece of parchment in his hand, voice cracking with every other word. "Hermione Granger!"

Hermione, dressed in a lavish dress of red satin and gold trimmings, stepped up to the man in the suit, who placed a ruby tiara on her meticulously curled head.

"Hermione Granger, newly proclaimed Princess of Gryffindor," The man announced and the teenager dropped the list to pick up a trumpet, which gave a sad wheeze as the boy played it. The man glared at him.

"Draco Malfoy!"

Draco, dressed in expensive green robes with silver trimming, stepped forward next.

The man placed a silver crown of emeralds on his head. "Draco Malfoy, the new Prince of Slytherin." Another sad wheeze from the trumpet.

"Harry Potter!"

Harry, uncomfortable draped in red robes with gold trimming, stepped forward.

He was given a golden crown of rubies. "Harry Potter, newly crowned King of Gryffindor." The trumpet didn't even play this time, just the sound of air bowing from puckered lips. "Pfft!"

Draco glared at Harry who flinched at the crown slipped and hit him in the face.

"Ron Weasley!"

Ron stepped forward, wearing red robes with a lacy pink trim, much to his embarrassment.

Ron was given a golden crown with red rubies, a slightly deeper red than Harry's. "Ron Weasley, Prince of Gryffindor." The trumpet gave an embarrassing honk.

"Wait!" Goyle called from the crowd. "Why is Draco prince and Harry king?"

Draco discreetly slipped Goyle a cupcake from the snack table as the man answered. "Because, uh…"

The man suddenly beamed. "We have a very limited number of titles."

Draco sulked and was about to speak before Ron interrupted. "Does this mean me and Hermione are engaged?"

Hermione made a face.

"I, uhh…"

"Who's the Gryffindor Queen?" Parvati asked.

"You!" The man exclaimed worriedly as he tossed her the crown, and she and Lavender squealed over it.

Suddenly questions were called out in a rapid number until the man gave a scream. "Argh!"

Everybody went silent as the man yelled again, "I quit!" The man stormed off as the teenager trailed behind him, playing a quick exiting tune. "Not now Donny!"

"Wait! What about my crown!" Pansy called and a silver tiara with emeralds was thrown back to her. "There, Princess Whoever-You-Are of Slytherin!"

Pansy smiled and placed the crown on her head, before snuggling into Draco's arm, who did not seem to mind.

* * *

 ** _Author's Note:_**

 ** _Parodying This Week: Hogwarts = Everybody is royalty_**

 ** _Parodying Next Week:_** ** _Bad HermionexDraco fan fics featuring Evil!Ron._**


	3. Bad HermionexDraco featuring Evil! Ron

Ron and Hermione were bickering, as usual.

"Ronald Weasley, I can't believe you haven't done your homework yet!" Hermione said.

"The essay's due next week, Hermione, I've got time," Ron answered lazily.

"Oh, so you can go copy off me again?"

"Blimey, Hermione, maybe if you wouldn't let me I wouldn't do it all the time!" Ron said, irritated.

"Oh, so now it's _my_ fault for not wanting my friend to fail?"

"Yeah!"

"You're an idiot!" Hermione spat.

"You're a nerd!"

"Lazy!"

"Geeky!"

"Irresponsible!"

"Stick in the mud!"

"Loud mouth!"

"Nobody likes you anyway!"

Hermione gasped as tears started to pour down her face.

"Uh, wait! I mean-"

"No," Hermione cut Ron off, shaking her head. "I think we need some time away from each other, Ronald. Clearly you're getting too much of a big head." With that she ran off with Ron shouting after her. Little did she know who she would run in to.

"Granger?" Draco asked after the crying girl had run straight into his chest. His well-defined, very fit chest.

Hermione didn't answer, but only cried harder at the sight of her worst enemy.

"Granger," Draco said, softer this time, placing a hand on Hermione's chin and tilting it up so she could see his face. "Those tears don't suit your pretty face." He carefully used one hand to wipe the tears off her face while still using the other to hold her chin. "Now that's better."

Hermione looked up in amazement. Why was he being so nice to her?

"Now, would this make you feel better?" Draco asked huskily. He tilted her head up until their lips were about to graze each other's, then- uproarious laughter broke out.

Draco and Hermione disappeared into a puff of smoke as the occupants of Number Twelve Grimmauld Place continued to laugh, all except Ron.

"I swear," Ron said, turning to Fred and George. "You guys did that just to mock me."

"What?" Fred asked, smirking.

"Us?" George said, wearing an identical smirk.

"No way," They both answered together.

"I mean, that was _hilarious_ ," George said.

"And you acting like an idiot and annoying someone until they run away and make out with their worst enemy isn't really out of character," Fred continued.

"For all you know, we use that every time to get rid of a pair of boggarts, not just because Hermione and Harry happen to be here," George justified.

At the mention of his friends, Ron looked over to see Hermione, who had straightened herself up and never looked as though she had laughed except for the small smile playing on her lips and a faint red in her face, whether that was from lack of breath because of laughing too much or how the scene played out, Ron didn't know. Harry, however, was still wheezing on the floor.

"C'mon mate," Ron said, lightly tapping Harry's side with his shoe. "It wasn't that funny."

Harry continued to laugh. "It's just- Hermione actually _liking_ Malfoy- and Malfoy actually being _nice!_ "

"Hermione?" Ron said, looking at the girl in question after deciding to ignore his best friend.

"Well, it _was_ rather funny," Hermione remarked, still smiling.

"Come on! You were about to kiss _Malfoy_! Aren't you bothered?"

"Not really, because I am not bothered by things that clearly aren't going to happen," Hermione said, looking like she was about to go into lecture mode.

"You know," Harry pointed out from the floor. "Parvati ships you and Malfoy, Hermione."

 _"_ _WHAT!"_

* * *

 ** _Author's Note:_**

 ** _Parodying This Week: Bad HermionexDraco fan fics featuring Evil!Ron._**

 ** _Parodying Next Week: Harry Potter's Twin Sister_**


	4. Harry Potter's Twin Sister

Harry, Hermione and Ron were chatting about their fifth year when a girl walked into their compartment.

"Mind if I sit here?" she asked delicately, her long, red hair that went down in elegant curls concealing her face.

Harry shrugged. "Sure."

"Thank you," she said, tilting her head up to reveal emerald green eyes, identical to Harry's own in all areas except they were surrounded by thick, long eyelashes instead of glasses. When nobody remarked on them. She put her head down and did it again. And again. And again.

"Are you okay?" Ron asked as he watched the girl deal with what seemed like a rather visible twitch.

"No!" sobbed the girl as she threw her head up once more, smacking Ron in the face. "Pfft!"

"Erm, why?" Harry asked as Ron took a long red hair off his tongue, Hermione gagging at the sight.

"Because, apparently I'm magic, I have a long lost twin brother I've never, ever met, which I don't know the name of and he probably doesn't even know I exist!" she cried, throwing Harry a meaningful look that he missed.

"Well, we can help you. What's your name?" asked Hermione.

"Kierra Crystal Jewel Violet Hippogriff Potter," answered the girl, sending another look to Harry.

"Oi, did your father have any siblings or something that she could be the daughter of?" Ron asked Harry.

"Or…" Kierra suggested. "Maybe I'm Harry's twin."

"I don't have a twin sister," Harry answered blankly.

"But my twin doesn't know about me…"

"I'm pretty sure I don't have a twin."

"How did you know Harry's name?" asked Hermione. "He never said it."

Kierra went silent for a moment before she started furiously speaking Russian to a microphone in her shoulder, kicked the window open in the compartment, and jumped off of the train. A second later the Trolley Witch came by whistling as she sprayed an invisible gas into the compartment, causing the Golden Trio to fall unconscious and not wake up until the train stopped, all memories of the train ride forgotten.

* * *

 ** _Author's Note:_**

 ** _Parodying This Week: Harry Potter's Twin Sister_**

 ** _Parodying Next Week: It's a surprise!_**


	5. Txt! Speak Story

_**Author's Note: Thanks for the review, Rose235b!**_

* * *

One day harry, hermione and ron were walking in hogsmeade.

harry: wow! I 3 it here! ( :

hermione: me too!

ron: it would be so bad if somthing wre to happen! ) :

Suddnly, the dark lord appreared!11! ) :

voldie: ( :

harry: ahh! ) :

hermione: ahh!1! ) :

ron: (crying)

voldie: hahaha!11! I hate u harry!11111!

harry: 0 :

hermione: 0 :

ron: (crying)

harry: you meanie!1!

voldie: mwah ha ha

harry: advie kevara!11111!111!

voldie: noooooooooooooo! (dies)

hermione: yay!1!

ron: yay!1!

harry: (blushes)

hermione: (says spell)

Harry scratched his head. "What just happened?"

"I don't know," Ron shrugged, wiping tears off his face, confused.

"We were struck with a textbook case of text speak, a disease where the infected can only speak in lower letters with excessive exclamation," Hermione explained to the two boys.

"Oh," Ron and Harry said at the same time.

"Luckily it can be cured by a simple spell, which I spoke."

"Huh," Harry remarked. "Want to go to Honeydukes?"

Ron nodded enthusiastically and they all departed.

* * *

 ** _Author's Note:_**

 ** _Parodying This Week: Txt! Speak Story_**

 ** _Parodying Next Week: The Sueauthor_**


	6. The Sueauthor

Melanie Williams sat at her in front of her computer, adjusting her spectacles. After a quick smooth-down of her ponytail, she was ready. To write her Harry Potter fan fic.

Melanie desired what all women do, love of a fictional character, and she was going to get it. By creating a perfectly delicious story that will cement her self-insert as the one true love of, Melanie sighed, Draco Malfoy.

Stretching her fingers, she allowed herself to type.

* * *

 **The Slytherin Table at the Great Hall was never quite good enough for Draco Malfoy. That's what Draco thought as he swiped the stray platinum blond hair off from his brow, his perfectly perfect grey eyes glaring at the pug-faced women beside him, his kissable lips slowly forming into his trademark sneer.**

 **And suddenly, his world changed forever. Because into the hall walked the most magnificent woman of them all.**

 **Her black ebony hair swiped at her knees, her pink eyes lit up joyfully. Her perfect doll-like figure walked down the hall as he fought a bit of drool from escaping his mouth. Her ruby red lips and blushed cheeks made him fight a growl. He was going to be one that made that little pretty thing blush from now on. Because she was perfect. And she was going to be his.**

 **"Ew." Pansy faked a gag as she stuck out her slimy tongue from her chapped lips. "Look at that bitch, Draco."**

 **Draco anger was swift and harsh. "Don't you dare say anything about her, you little pug-faced troll. She doesn't deserve to be talked about from your imperfect lips. Got it, Pansy?"**

 **Pansy suppressed a whimper and turned away.**

 **"That's what I thought."**

 **"Melanie Williams!" His anger at Pansy was lost one the name was called, as it turned out it was** ** _her_** **name.**

 **Melanie Williams. Beautiful Goddess. Perfect Human. Brilliant Woman. That's what her name meant to him. He wanted to say it. And so he did.**

 **"Melanie Williams." The name fell from his lips like honey, one he wanted to desperately lap up. Now he wanted her more than ever.**

 **Draco continued to stare at Melanie as she sat at the stool, Sorting Hat on her head. The old cloth did not deserve to sit on her smooth head of hair. Nothing did. Except his hand.**

 **Her eyes had fluttered to a close, the pink orbs lost from his sight. But he was delighted to see her teeth scrape at her bottom lip. Cute, but that was going to be his job now.**

 **But soon his bliss was soon overtaken by pure agony when the Sorting Hat called out her house. His stomach started writhe and he clenched his fists when he heard that dreaded name. "GRYFFINDOR!" the Sorting Hat had called.**

 **"No," he hissed as she walked away to the horrid table of idiots. "No. She's better than that, I know it."**

 **Draco decided then, in that very moment, that he would get that girl to love him. House barriers or not.**

 **^^^LINE BREAK^^^**

 **Author's Note (AN): Sooooo, what do you guys think? Do you love Melanie? She's cute, isn't she? How about Draco? So cool, right? What about the story?**

 **REVIEW YOUR ANSWERS AND COMMENTS, KAY? NO FLAMESSSSS!11!11!**

 **Though I think I may already know your answers ; )**

 **BYEEEEEEEEEEEE**

* * *

 ** _The_** **real** ** _Author's Note: Thank you Rose235b and happyteadybear96 for the reviews! On my absence….school's time consuming, isn't it? Well, anyway…I need to ask a favor from you guys. Leave your reviews for Melanie's story and they'll be featured in the next chapter! You can be an adoring fan, a jealous fangirl, a flamer, or an actual critic! But, until next time._**

 ** _Parodying This Week: The Sueauthor_**

 ** _Parodying Next Week: The Sueauthor Part 2_**


	7. The Sueauthor Part 2

**_Author's Note: Thank you for reviewing, WhyNotWriteFanFiction! And indeed, why not?_**

* * *

Melanie sat down at her laptop, fingers twitching as she got ready to write another installment of her story. But first, she _had_ to check the reviews.

Opening her story, she was proud to see three reviews populating the review section. Eagerly, she read them.

* * *

 **ObsessedFanGirl**

 **I really LOVE your story! I mean, its just so AWESOME! Like, Draco…so HOT!**

 **So, um, do you think I can read one of my stories? Pretty please? And review? YOUR MY FAVORITE AUTHOR!**

* * *

Melanie was delighted by the review, but confused on why ObsessedFanGirl wanted her to read her story. Oh well…

* * *

 **ihteurwrting**

 **STOP WRITING SUEAUTHOR!1!1111!**

* * *

Melanie gasped. Obviously the reviewer was jealous! But then she felt pity. Not everyone could have writing skills like hers…

* * *

 **PancakesandFanfic**

 **So, um, you're trying which is really good! And it's pretty good, grammatically and stuff…**

 **But, maybe you should take a few tests to make sure Melanie's not a Mary Sue? Because she kind of seems like one… And adjust, if so?**

 **And maybe it doesn't need to be so…sexual? I mean, it's sort of unneeded…**

 **Can you read this and take it into consideration? Thanks!**

* * *

Melanie cocked her head to the side. Weird review. Why was this reviewer trying to _control_ her writing? She didn't need any help! With renewed vigor, she started to type.

* * *

 **As the houses fin** **ished dinner and went up to their dormitories, Draco slipped away from the group.**

 **Slinking, he avoided detection until he was behind a certain ebony-haired girl. Slipping his hand into hers, he fought a shiver. The soft, porcelain hand fit oh-so perfectly into his.**

 **Melanie turned around, her pink eyes wide and innocent, sultry black lashes framing them. Her ruby red lips were opened slightly in surprise, and out of them, came the most melodic voice Draco had heard. "W-What?"**

 **The voice was soft, musical and Draco savored it, wanting to hear more.**

 **Not answering, he whirled them into an empty corridor until Melanie was backed against one of the castle walls, the moonlight streaming through a window running over her displayed body. Draco licked his lips.**

 **"Hello, I'm Draco Malfoy." He cupped her chin with his hand, and her pretty pink eyes stared into his grey ones. "I'd like you to know, since you'll be saying it a lot." He chuckled as he felt the shiver that ran up her body at his words.**

 **"Aren't you a Slytherin?" The words surprised him.**

 **"Yes, but does it matter?" They were close now, and he felt her chest rise up and down as she breathed, her breath making fruity puffs on his nose.**

 **"No." She answered it so surely, that Draco couldn't help but lean in, wanting to capture her ruby lips with his own. Melanie leaned up, ready to meet him throw for throw.**

 **Just as their lips connected-**

* * *

"Ahh!" Melanie shrieked as the screen of her laptop started to glitch, images flying across at a speed impossible to decipher. "What's happening?"

The screen then settled into a dead black, as white text began to appear.

* * *

 _Dear User,_

 _Your document has been confiscated by the Anti-Mary Sue League, ready to rid the world of canon-ruiners since 1989. Your story will be held from you for an unprecedented amount of time as we investigate. Thank you for your cooperation._

 _From, AMSL_

* * *

Melanie did the only thing she could think to do in this situation. She gave her computer the bird.

* * *

 ** _Author's Note:_**

 ** _Parodying This Week: The Sueauthor Part 2_**

 ** _Parodying Next Week: American Culture Attack_**


	8. A Real-Life Person Goes to Hogwarts

**_Author's Note: Hey, you guys might notice this isn't American Culture Attack. Mostly by the chapter title. But I decided to switch the prompt, due to it being my one year anniversary of joining this site! *squeals* Anyway, you'll still get American Culture Attack, it will just be next chapter. And thank you for the review Forgotten Tyrant! Anyway, onto the chapter!_**

* * *

WinterFairy209 is sitting in her room, working on the next Harry Potter Parodies chapter. Suddenly, she feels a whirl of cold air encircle her and when she opens her eyes, she is not sitting on her bed anymore, but rather standing in front of a large castle.

"Oh, _no_ ," she exclaims. "I am _not_ doing one of these! Not like this!"

Angrily, she plops down on the soil and starts typing on her also transported laptop. _WinterFairy209 suddenly felt another brush of cold air and found herself sitting back on her bed._

WinterFairy209 looks up from her laptop and sees the familiar walls of her room comforting her. She slides her laptop off her lap and stands up. "That's better."

Staring at her laptop, she states, "I guess I have magic laptop now. This'll have consequences." Hearing a call, she then says, "Which I'll deal with after dinner."

WinterFairy209 leaves her room, and in her absence, the disc compartment of her laptop slides open and an angered pixie with a dark green bob pops out, leaving a trail of glitter behind.

"Hmmph!" The pixie exclaims, smoothing her sparkly green dress, a brighter green than her skin. "See if I ever try to give someone a magic laptop again!"

The pixie flies out of the room, a trail of white glitter following her. "And she lied! She is so _not_ a fairy!"

* * *

 ** _Parodying This Week: A Real World Person Gets Transported to Hogwarts_**

 ** _Parodying Next Week: American Culture Attack_**


	9. American Culture Attack

"Dudes, have you got any idea what's happenin' in Snape's class?" Harry asked Hermione and Ron as he skated up to them on his skateboard, making sue his snapback was appropriately backwards.

"Nah, Snape's class is a snore," Ron drawled as he devoured a big mac.

"Ron, don't be rude! He could, totally, like, hear you and junk." Hermione sipped on a grande mocha latte from Starbucks pretentiously.

"Jeez, 'Mione. _Chill."_ Ron gulped down a side of fries.

"Dudes, like, listen!" Harry performed an ollie angrily, his official NFL league shirt flipping up. "We need to remember this stuff, cause' I heard he's totally gonna pop a pop quiz on us!"

Hermione gasped, spilling her latte all over her fat-free yogurt, but missing her Abercrombie shirt. "But I don't have my number two pencil!"

"I get you, fam." Harry somberly did a kickflip. "Totally uncool."

At the sound of uncool, the Weasley twins burst into the room on their monster truck. "Did somebody just say uncool?"

"Ch'yeah," Harry rolled his eyes. "You dudes just did."

Everybody in the room stopped whatever they were doing to yell, "Oooooooh! Roast!"

"You totally roasted us there, little bro's bestfriend," Fred patted Harry on the shoulder. "Now we must go."

The Weasley twins held hands and evaporated to the land of the roasted. As the twins disappeared, their bald eagle, George Washington, cawed in misery.

"A moment of silence for the dead," Ron declared and everybody stopped talking. "Moment of silence over!" Ron shoved a Chipotle burrito in his mouth and life resumed.

* * *

 _ **Author's Note: I'm not going to lie. This is, hands down, the weirdest thing I've ever wrote. But I hope you enjoyed it!**_

 ** _Parodying This Week: American Culture Attack_**

 ** _Parodying Next Week: Harry Snape_**


End file.
